Customary Birthday Letter for my roommate

Apppppuuuuu,

Nimage janmadinada subhasayagalu 🙈😛 (Happy Birthday!)

Here’s the customary birthday letter from your crazy, old-school roommate. But it’s not just that. It’s not just a birthday letter, it’s much more than that. Think of it as a warm bear hug, a creepy-adorable ear-to-ear smile, a loud and giggly birthday song, a sloppily wrapped birthday gift. Think of it as me, being right there with you, because I really want to. Think of it as a long-overdue “Heyyy, I miss you” after the stupid, hasty goodbye.

As I write this letter to you, I can’t stop thinking about this day, last year. We barely knew eachother. The only thing we thought we had in common was a room, and a handwash, maybe, and two other roommates, ofcourse, but that’s all.

I remember celebrating your birthday – you, in your pink nightsuit, donning a birthday cap. Your sister came to visit. You were happy, but not so much. You were missing home. It was your first birthday away from home, afterall.

Now that you’re home again, I’m sure you miss being at the hostel, with your friends. With this letter, I hope to close the distance, even if it is for this one day.

Now that we can’t go on your birthday trip that we had been planning, let me take you on a journey down the memory lane. Here are some of my fondest memories from our time at IIJNM.

Our beds were placed in two opposite corners of the room, but one day we decided to fit two beds in the space for one. Sharing space with someone can be difficult and even sometimes awkward, but with you, it was all pretty simple and effortless.

No matter how cheesy that sounds, there are mornings when I miss turning around with my eyes half-open and looking at you smiling at me.

We would sit on the terrace, under the tree near the basketball ground, at Akka’s, or outside the media lab, and talk about everything. From complete strangers to being each other’s closest companions, we have come a long way.

I miss that adrenaline rush we’d get every time we were together on a beat, seeking adventure in the stories we did. There’s no one I’d rather do all those life-threatening stunts with/for.

I also miss our Dosa-dates and run for a glass of juice. I miss cooking parathas for you. I promise we’ll do all of this when we meet.

I know we had planned to work and live together, but I guess 2020 had different plans and here we are, staring into the dark. But do not despair. Better things and great adventures await you in the next episode of your life. For now, do what makes you happy and keeps you going.

I want to tell you that I’m extremely proud of the woman that you’ve become. I have seen you struggle your way to the top. I have seen you starting from scratch. I have seen you grow. Your strength, dedication and determination is remarkable and it’ll take you places.

You know what they say: Behind every great college student is an even greater roommate helping them keep their lives in order. Thank you for being the best roommate. I love you.

Now as we inch closer to the end of this letter, I know you’ve noticed how I started it in Kannada. I’ll also end it that way. You know why? You know why.

I remember, when you were really sad/ happy/ confused/ angry, you would switch from English to Kannada, without even noticing it. Those were the moments when I truly started understanding you, despite never really understanding a word of what you said. Kannada is your mother tongue, your go-to language, your means of effective communication and this is my way of thanking you for teaching me a new language. I hope I passed.

Tumba Dhanyawaadagalu for taking me from “Kannada Gotthila” to “Houda, swalpa swalpa mataadtini” 🙈❤

Also, a few other things I want to tell you:

1. Nivu atyanta sihi (the Sihi-Khaara ad)
2. Nanu ninnanu tumba miss maadtini
3. Hostel life chennagidde, this stupid pandemic chennagilla
4. Nanu ninnanu begane noduttene

Loveeee,
Jaagoo

The Fault In Our Stars

You type your last message for me and press send. You put your phone on airplane mode and turn the lights off. You sit there and cry fretfully, wondering why is this jarring to the senses. You want all this to be uncomplicated and painless. But sweety, it’s not easy because it’s fucking not meant to be easy. It’s meant to be knotty and way too taxing. How else do you expect a fierce love to walk into its grave?

Do not stand there and weep. Start slogging back to your old home. You might feel unescorted for a few steps from there, but it’s going to be quiet and peaceful after that.

I want you to go back to that library, look around the corner where we hid a copy of The Fault In Our Stars. Read it, over and over, until you finally make peace with the fact that Augustus Waters dies in the end. I want you to rethink and rebuild your take on mortality of life and of relationships.

And you know why I want you to do this? Because from all I know about you, I know that at this point in your life you are adamant about keeping your distance from people because you don’t want to get hurt or hurt anyone, just like Hazel Grace. But with Augustus, she realizes the closeness was worth it— you would too. And only then you’d know that sometimes no amount of love is enough to redress the fault in our stars.

Jagriti Parakh 🌸

Letter To My Sister 🤰

Dear first-time mom-to-be,

This is your first baby and we are full of pep! Carrying a human in your abdomen for the better part of a year is no joke and getting it out of there isn’t something to take lightly either.

We can’t believe it’s almost time! The tiny human is almost here. We can clearly see you holding a bag of jumbled feelings as the due date is approaching- excited, nervous, impatient, tired, happy, scared, and so much more.

You’ve handled this pregnancy with grace and the requisite good sense of humor needed to power through all of the joys of pregnancy. And now in a few short days comes the next step. This baby that has been long-awaited and given a silly nickname will make his/her entrance. Your life is about to change, in so many ways. You are about to change even more, sweetheart.

We have watched your belly grow and felt the little baby move and kick, to make his presence known to us all. We have seen you veering from excited to slightly terrified; from being sure I could do this to, no way, I don’t think I’m cut out for this.

The tiny rice-like embryo has now grown into what feels (and looks) like a watermelon under your clothes. We’re pretty excited because, frankly, we have a small gang to populate and it’s about time you start pulling some weight. Not to mention, the idea of having a mini ‘you’ running around the house is as pretty as a picture, but not as quiet. All jokes aside, having your first baby is a big deal. And we are already walking on air thinking of all the joy and cuddles of a delicious newborn squishy bubble to fall in love with.

On thinking about your upcoming life changing event, there’s so much we want to tell you, but sometimes when you want to say something so important, the words just don’t show their face.

We know you’re worried. We know you’re scared. All that lies before you right now is one big, amazing and awe-inspiringly grand, yet terrifying mystery. You’re wondering what kind of mother you’re going to be, if you’ll be a good one. What we know (and we know for sure) is that you’ve got this!

We have seen you around children. You are kind, patient, loving and fun. You’ll be all these things, and so much more, with your own. You have the biggest heart of anyone we’ve ever known. Your baby, is the luckiest one.

You have almost turned the page to the next chapter of your life. But before you roll your eyes, let us tell you why we believe that you will be a fantastic mom.

First off, you’ve been taking care of babies since you were 3 years old. Again as a 6-year-old and again at 9 years old and so many times in between and after too. You got this baby stuff down!

Secondly, you have a great role model to follow after.

All kids love their mothers, each in their own special way, but you and mom have always had this special bond. You two are more alike than you think. Though I’m sure you notice it more and more each day. The tendencies you share with her are what will make you the best mother there is. You put others first, you take care of people around you, you love unconditionally, but you are also not afraid to put someone in their place if need be.

Last, but certainly not least, you have the heart of a mother. God knew exactly what He was doing when He made your heart. You were born to be a mother. You have had maternal instincts since you were young. It shows every day, in the way you deal with the people in your life and in the way you love us all.

The center of your universe is about to shift. Get ready to relinquish that position to your baby. We wish you all the luck as you enter this topsy-turvy ride of motherhood.

Tummy full of love!

Funeral 🌸

Last night when I called you, you told me you were busy writing an obituary for someone you know intimately. So I got off the phone and let you be. I received a text an hour later. It was from you. A long text, with barely any emojis and commas, but so many fullstops. That sure qualified for an obituary, kissing the end of our story. You asked me for a ‘last’ date together and how could I deny a funeral?

I woke up in the afternoon hoping that it was a dream. I wore a skirt and your sweater. You picked me up, and we drove off to the farthest corner of the city. There we were, staring into oblivion. Your silence was like a cold grave and the conversation I built around it sounded almost like a graveside eulogy. I tried to keep it brief and personal, hoping that you’re still on the same wavelength as I am. I spoke slowly and clearly, hoping that you’re listening. Even though I was emotionally very fragile, I tried to keep my focus on you, rather than my own nerves and concerns.
But were you listening? Or was the silence too deafening?

Jagriti Parakh 🌸

A Letter To My Roomie

Dearest Old Roomie

This letter is long overdue, and let me just start this out with a warm bear hug.
Happy Birthday! It is your birthday and I can imagine how excited and bouncy you already must be. I wish I could join you, but because I can not, you better be prepared for all the nostalgia oozing out of my finger tips today.

I was running my eyes over all the old pictures I have with you. My memory jogged back to the olden days when we were just ‘doing life’ together. It was as if I was peeping straight into the past in a mere glance at a photograph.

Sharing space with someone can be difficult and even sometimes awkward, but with you, it was all pretty simple and effortless and uncomplicated. In that tiny space, we made the kind of memories that last a lifetime. Our schedule became in sync around each other’s schedules. From waking me up for my early morning class, to staying up all night with me when nothing would help to put me to sleep; you have been there for me always. At the end of a long day, I had you to look at me and smile and enquire about my day or tell me stories from your day at college. How I miss sharing every single detail of my life with someone!

I wonder how you managed to sail smoothly past the stormy ocean, that is me. I barely let another person see beneath my skin. I hesitate to open up, but I painted my heart on the ceiling above our beds during our late night conversations. Trust me, that’s rare! You’ve seen me cry and that is rarer. We have started this journey on the road of friendship, we’ve traveled this far and there’s a long way to go. I can not measure it, probably because infinities are immeasurable.

Now is the perfect time for me to express my gratitude, for you’ve been a perfect roommate. Thanks for not judging me on my habit of not changing the bed cover for months. Also, when out of no where, I started dancing while deciding what to wear, you knew I do that a lot of times when I am excited or nervous about going somewhere. There’s an endless list of all the awkward situations that I jumped into, but you pulled me back with your absolutely normal reaction to my completely crazy actions. Thanks for everything. For being a home away from home, I can never thank you enough.

Loads of Love

While replaying all the fond memories in the back of my head,
Your Ex-Roommate, Why-Friend and Zed-Soul Sister

…But To Kiss My Rose, First You Hug My Thorns

I am a mystery.
I am a mystery, so enigmatic and unknown that trying to comprehend will only lead you to all sorts of anomalies, because I am a paradox.
I am a paradox, inconsistent between my thoughts and expressions. You’ll never reach certainty, because I am unpredictable.
Yes, unpredictable. Right when you start to think you know me, I’ll kick you back into oblivion, because I am season.
I am season, I’ll change. I’ll transform and it’ll be an unforeseeable process. I’ll flip-flop and swap, I’ll fluctuate and evolve.
If you manage to somehow step out of this phase, you’ll see me adapting. I’ll conform, habituate and harmonize.
Bear with me if you please, because I am love, now and eternal.
Once you start journeying in sync with my wandering soul, we’ll metamorphose into poetry. But to kiss my rose, first you hug my thorns.

Jagriti Parakh 🌹

Stellar Demise

In the dark, starry background, I’m a supernova disposing a fresh shade of tangerine,
A mass of galaxy dust, tinged with faint blue and green.
But a strange, solitary supernova bursting apart in the dark of cosmic space,
Throwing out my pieces like a catastrophic menace.

I am a bold expression of the red love in which my eighteen year old self has been,
The love that I didn’t wear on my sleeve, but allowed to grow right under my skin.
I am the explosion of black hate that the fourteen year old me did face,
The hatred that I didn’t carry in my actions but learned to embrace.

I am like that harmless girl who would wake up one mornin’,
And suddenly just decide to go supernova, startling and unforeseen.
From a shining star to an attenuating mass falling into the abyss of nothingness,
I am nothing less than a celestial phenomenon taking place.

I know, I know. It might look like I am fading into invisibility,
Or that I am spilling debris all around me.
Because I am probably just a pile of star-dust undergoing stellar demise, right now.
But one day, my friend, you’ll see me rise to infinity, and wonder how?

– Jagriti Parakh 🙂

Image Courtesy – Lioba Bruckner

He’s A Universe, Unaware Of Himself

When I first saw him, I in fact saw a universe, unaware of himself.
He had not the slightest of ideas that he was full of magical things.
Things more beautiful than words can tell.

His face was like a moonlit sky,
and in his smile, I saw stars shining at me.
One flicker and I was ablaze with passion,
and ever since I am wreathed in smiles.

His eyes like an unfathomable ocean,
and in the deepness, I was engrossed completely.
One look and I was already drowning,
and ever since I am drifting to touch the bottom.

His touch was like a burning love,
and in the connection, his fingers sent love letters to my brain.
One exposure and my heart was subjected to a kindling new romance,
and ever since I am trying my hand on penmanship to compose a deserved reply to his gentle scribblings.

– Jagriti Parakh 🙃

I Am Positioned Well To Propel.

On the first day of rest of my life,
I set my heart on another goal.
I dream a new dream.
I scour up the ladder of possibility.
I am up with renewed buoyancy.

Marking the first page of a new book,
I hesitate to unhide.
I dread being judged.
I flinch from being mistaken.
I adhere to introversion.

In retrospect,
I hanker after an estranged relationship.
I lament at the loss of life.
I fret about the careless misconception.
I long for an intense connection.

Inscribing a new beginning,
I have blank pages and stories to tell.
I am positioned well to propel.

– Jagriti Parakh ツ

Falling Out Of Love 💔

Falling madly, deeply in love with another person is a magical feeling. It is like a roller coaster ride, always up and down, most breathtaking and heart racing. Perhaps too many metaphors surround true love and romance. Also, there are countless movies about falling in love and numerous books that guide us in this direction. People are more than happy to share their experiences of falling hard for another person. They describe how the butterflies rushed the first time they kissed or how bells rang in their heart when they saw the other person. But no one really talks about falling out of love. It’s not that easy to describe and sometimes you can’t really attempt to put your fingers on this feeling.

I’ve heard people saying that falling out of love is one of the saddest things that can happen to a person. Once the reason behind your existence, now becomes just a name that fades into oblivion. Nothingness replaces the warmth, passion and excitement. It is like being anesthetized. All that’s left is memories of what once was, and a longing for what could have been. But honestly, falling out of love isn’t as black and white as it seems. It could be that the two have just ended the ‘all-rose and no thorns’ phase and reality has now set in. Or, that the oh-so-happy-couple has hit a rough patch, which every relationship is likely to go through. However, it is also true that there are times when a relationship has run its course, and so has the love. As despairing as that can be, it can happen. It’s better to realize this soon, rather than waiting for things to change, only to grow unhappy in a relationship that is doing no good to anyone.

I know people who have been through all these stages, from the roller-coaster ride to the free-fall and heartache and everything in-between. Many of them fell on their knees, clutching their head in despair and drowned in the sorrow of heartbreak. But there is this one incomplete love story I know in which ‘happy ending’ was only meant to be, despite one ‘falling out of love’ and the other one still ‘madly, deeply in love’.

One of my friends, Mukti, wrote this and sent it to me. I was out of words to say after reading this. I hope this story does to you what it did to me –

One day when I visited my best friend’s place, I noticed he was upset and lost in some thoughts. I asked him what was wrong with him. He shifted close to me, held my hand. I was tensed to see him so unsettled and fidgety. He looked into my eyes and said “Promise me that only my best friend is going to listen to what I say and that you won’t take me wrong.” I promised. He then continued, “I think I’m falling out of love with my girlfriend. I’m feeling so guilty over it. She has done nothing wrong to deserve it. Just that I have realized that this isn’t something that I want for myself right now. I want to be a free bird and careless, like any person in his teenage is. Not that I am bounded in our relationship, but the fact that I’m committed to someone suffocates me. It’s not in her, it’s in me. Also, she deserves someone who loves her more than, or at least as much as she does, instead of someone like me who is afraid of commitments.” The shock robbed me of speech. Before his ‘best-friend’ could figure out how to react, his ‘girlfriend’ was on the brink of tears. I felt the whole world collapsing on me. He wrapped me in his arms and said “Look! This is why I wanted only my best friend to lend me an ear. I can’t see you crying. Please don’t do this to me. I know I am asking too much, but I can’t afford to lose my best friend. Please try to understand me. I haven’t stopped caring, I never can. I don’t know what happened to me, but this no more feels right. We were so much better when we were ‘just best friends’, no expectations and no complications – that’s exactly how I want us to be. Please, please understand!” I kept silent for a while but the storm inside my head was not to calm.

 

I said I needed time and that I’ll be fine and assured him that we’ll be friends, no matter what, and returned back home. His words, like dark clouds, seemed to constantly loom over my head. My eyes were puffy and red after all the crying. I kept thinking about what went wrong. I had so many unanswered questions flooding in my head.

 

Days passed by and we didn’t exchange even a single hello. Slowly, with time, I realized that how bad I miss my best friend and not a lover as much. I tried to understand his point of view and that we needed our friendship more than a fragile relationship. Not that I had fallen out of love, but that I couldn’t trade a best friend against a lover who’s not meant to be. I have finally accepted the fact that some people cannot and will not ever end up being together, even if they do love each other. It’s a sad truth, but a truth nonetheless. The fact is love isn’t enough. Love is never enough, because love isn’t rational.

 

He told me how he has started to feel and as a result we are better than ever before. If a person fears that he’s falling out of love, he shouldn’t beat himself up. After all this is what true love is all about – understanding, when it’s impossible to do so and caring for each other in the unlikeliest situations.

 

So, the experience of falling out of love isn’t always black and white, ours showed us how colorful our friendship already was.

 

Our feelings don’t change overnight, and we might even not realize it was happening. Relationships are never all bad. We might have been struggling a lot with whether we’re really done or just need a new way to be together. So, one shouldn’t hesitate to tell their partner how they really feel, without hurting them. There’s always a way to talk about something without inviting the pain. Let’s not make everything so complicated and dull. Nothing heals the pain without addressing the wounds, except a smile. So, take a deep breath and get over the love that’s gone and get ready for the one that’s coming.

My brother wrote a letter to me on my eighteenth birthday and there’s this one line from that that I absolutely love :

“Love, Fail and Love again. ‘Cause the world can’t afford to lose your love.”

Keep Loving!

– Jagriti Parakh 🙂